Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Please Don't Be Sexist

To the two sweet-looking little ladies standing outside the store tonight:

Please don't be sexist.

I realize you grew up in a different time but I don't think that's a good reason to be prejudiced.

It was storming tonight and my husband and I had a cart with a couple of bags of food and four cases of diet soda. I said I'd bring the car around so I started walking through the rain to our car while Nathan waited with the cart.

While I was trudging through the rain to get to the car, you both turned around to my husband and curled your nose up disdainfully. The point wasn't lost on him but one of you went far enough to say sarcastically, "It must be nice having someone to bring the car around for you!" as if he were somehow morally deficient for allowing me to brave the rain and get the car.

Here's what you don't know: the car I was trudging through the rain to get was a rental car that, by contract, only I can drive. For Nathan to have driven it even through the parking lot would have been to violate our contract.

Here's what else you don't know: Nathan is a very kind man and a very good husband who respects me and goes way beyond the call of duty to care for me. He treated me very well before I became disabled and he takes very good care of me now. He does not enable me or treat me like I'm helpless; instead, he helps me manage my care and monitor my health.

And here's the last thing you don't know: I'm disabled - not dead. It's harder for me to do things than it used to be but I still do them. I'm not a delicate flower that will melt in the rain. I'm not a helpless female who can't drive. And I'm certainly not some entitled-minded bitch who thinks that men were put on this earth to serve me. I'm a woman and I can drive, make purchases, and do all manner of other things without input from a man.

Now, due to the nature of our relationship, Nathan and I act as partners. We consult each other about major decisions and we share the burden of bills. We don't tell each other what to do and we don't play mind games or indulge in power trips and pity parties. We are adults who choose to live together as equals. Where one is weak, the other is strong and vice versa.

So please stop judging my wonderful husband and stop judging me. Please don't be sexist.

Thank you,
Tweenky

To the readers: There's been a lot of talk about the sexism in the atheist community for a while now and we've seen how disgusting and reprehensible misogyny can be. I don't mean to detract from any of that. The purpose of this post is to show another, more insidious, side of sexism and to demonstrate how sexism is harmful to both men and women.

2 comments:

  1. I don't think this undermines the larger sexism debate within the atheist community at all; I think it's a fine example of sexist assumption, as well as an example of how sexism can be just as bad for men as it is for women. Those women were insulting both of you at the same time -- Nathan, by acting as if your driving the car around made him a subhuman POS; and you, by acting as if you need your man to shield you from the rain, or drive everywhere, rather than respecting the fact that you're equals who share duties together in a way that makes sense for you both.

    I hate that kind of attitude that I see in the South, the one where men are almost publicly shamed if they don't adhere to this forced type of chivalry that's so common here. If a guy wants to hold an elevator or door for me, hey, whatever. But I've had guys flat-out inconvenience themselves (and, by wasting time, me) to avoid getting on an elevator before I do -- and that's ridiculous. I still have waiters/waitresses constantly handing the check at restaurants to my husband by default. Even if I'm sitting there, holding my wallet with credit card in hand, they set it down in front of him. I'm the businessperson/accountant of the two of us, and I handle the money, but that check will always go to him because he's the guy, and it's just assumed that if he's my date, he's going to pay; and if he's my spouse, then he naturally handles the money. It gets pretty irritating.

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  2. I have to agree that this type of sexism is ridiculous, intrusive, and mindless following concepts of roles in relationships. I would even go so far to say that in many cases it's not even organic to many "proper" southern relationships. I can't count the number of times I've seen men be chivalrous and later on discover that the relationship is a complete disaster. However, I can't say this attitude is purely Southern. We recently relocated from Seattle and just before we left we went to a festival. My husband was able to find a table for us and while he watched the drinks and entertained a guy that we had just met I went to get an extra chair. A woman sitting at the next table completely lost it. I tried to laugh it off and end the conversation, but she wouldn't let it go. Seriously?! It was a cheap plastic chair that I walked all of 10 feet to get and it just drove her mad! I actually started to feel bad for her date. Who wants to listen to that all night?

    I wish I had addressed it more, but I didn't know how intoxicated she was and I didn't want to get into a ridiculous fight while out on a rare date night. I think others should consider that women can be perfectly happy in a relationship where they are treated like they are made out of glass.

    Recently, I had to have a discussion with my Mom about the same subject. This time I didn't let it go and now I think my Mom understands that we SHARE responsibility without assigning roles based on sex. If I can lift it, I can load it. I don't mind getting the extra exercise anyway.

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