The following post is sexual in nature and rather graphic. I was personally involved in both events and am relating them to you as best as I can recall. I am doing this to put some real faces to the term "rape victim" which is tossed around in our culture without full regard to the people it represents. If you are sensitive about this subject, consider yourself warned.
She was 8 or 9 years old, the age of ponytails, dog-ears, and braids. She had rainbow-striped suspenders and some off-brand jeans because the real stuff like Lee or Wrangler was too expensive for her parents to afford. She had come to this little church with her pastor, his wife, and the youth group for a kids' program. It was fun to get out once a month and see the other churches.
The program was over and refreshments had been served in the kitchen. After enjoying the Kool-Aid and cookies, she went outside to play with the other kids. Hide-and-seek was her favorite game; she had been born knowing how to hide. But tonight's game was chase. A bunch of older kids were chasing the younger ones around outside, laughing and having lots of fun. She joined the group and began playing along, hoping that the adults would stay inside and talk for a long time.
The older kids gave them a slight head start and the little kids were off again, running in formation to keep away from their pursuers. As the line of children turned right, she veered left, down the hill, and into a small clearing. No one would notice, she thought, and she would easily get away.
But as she ran down the dirt slope, she realized that two boys had broken off in pursuit. As the other kids ran faster and disappeared over the hill, she slipped on something and fell flat on her back. Before she could get up, both boys were on top of her. One grabbed her from behind and forced her arms above her head. The other was at her feet trying to hold them as she kicked at him fiercely. It was still a game to her. She didn't understand.
The boy at her back pinned her arms back and started pulling her shirt up. She was embarrassed and alarmed - this wasn't part of the game! Her mother had always told her that certain parts were dirty and should never be shown. Now this boy was pulling up her shirt so that he and the other kid could see her small body. This was horrifying! She struggled and fought against that hand, trying desperately to bite or do anything that would prevent him from exposing her still undeveloped breasts. But her struggles ceased when the other boy rammed his knee into her abdomen, causing her to gasp for breath and making her wet her pants. She had never been so ashamed in her whole life - lying there in the dirt with one boy touching her and the other one unfastening her jeans. She didn't understand what it meant but she knew it was wrong. She knew her mom and dad were going to be furious. All she felt was shame and pain.
At that point, she saw the full moon in the sky and let her mind drift up to it. She no longer felt anything they did to her. She didn't know - didn't need to know - what was happening to her body. Some time later, she came to her senses and was lying alone and exposed on the ground behind the church. Nobody saw her. Nobody came to help.
She didn't say a word to anyone about what had happened. She went home that night and, claiming she was tired, went straight to the bath. She didn't put her dirty clothes in the hamper. She hid them until her parents went to bed. About midnight that night, she stuffed the dirty clothes in the bottom of the washer and hid her soiled panties at the bottom of a full trash bag. No one would ever see her shame. No one would ever know. She did not have the words to describe what had happened to her. She did not know what to call it. All she knew is that mom and dad could never find out. No one must ever know.
A lot of people think that nothing like this could ever happen to them or their children. They think assault and rape only happen to scantily-clad sluts who are asking for it. They are wrong. I was born into a good, Christian family. I went to a good church. I was a good kid. Yet this happened to me. I am that girl and I was sexually assaulted.
Fortunately, I was too young to get pregnant or to even understand that there might have been a risk. Fortunately, I didn't have to worry about whether I could get emergency contraception or an abortion if I needed one. But there are real women out there who do have to worry about it. To take away a victim's choice is indeed to rape her of her rights all over again. If you haven't been violated like that, then you don't understand no matter how much you might think you do. You don't get it.
Rape is not about deciding who's the saint and who's the sinner. It's not something for you to sanctimoniously play around with while declaring that the victim needs to just smile and bear her rapist's child. It is a violent crime perpetrated against the young and the old, the thin and the overweight, the beautiful and the plain, men and women, people everywhere. It's a crime against humanity - not a talking point to sell modesty or virtue. Most of all, it is not a platform for you to build your forced birth case upon.
Rape begins with an idea - the notion that a woman has no sexual freedom and can be forced to perform as one wishes. In that regard, the physical act of rape differs from the forced birth policy in a manner of degree, not kind.
(to be continued...)
I don't know what to say but I feel like I must say something. I was raped too. I was 18 and a virgin and was just as scared and confused as you described. It's no wonder that we are the ones that hold the blame when society, mostly, refuses to help us. I read something about his "rape plan" but haven't seen it detailed. I'd love to hear how we're supposed to plan for rape, instead of, I don't know, how about teaching men not to rape? Oh but then, we'd have to be seen as equals.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for having the courage to tell your story. It's been 17 years and I still haven't told. I hope one day I can.
Many blessings to you.
"rape plans" are these lists that people make that say "if you don't do this, and this, and this, and this, and this... then you won't be raped."
Deleteit's a lie created to A) make people feel a little safer [if only those who "break the rules" get raped, then following the rules means you won't get raped - which is logic that lasts until you get raped] and B) make it easier to blame the victim.
after all, everyone KNOWS rapists are slavering beasts that ANYONE can identify as a rapist! only a stupid [insert slur of your choice] would be so STUPID as to get raped, because only someone STUPID wouldn't see that the rapist is a rapist - and if a man who isn't a slavering beast is accused of rape, that's just further "proof" - she's crazy/lying/led him on - ANYTHING to allow people to keep the twin illusions that rapists are EASILY identifiable by EVERYONE, and only those who "deserve" to get raped really are.
it's BULLSHIT.
i spent YEARS being raped by my stepfather and listening to my neighbors, teachers, principle and fellow students talk shit about how i "seduced" him - because, as anyone will tell you, it's "seduction" to have a man 4x your age beat the crap out of you, threaten to kill your mother, sister and father if you talk, then hurt you some more.
but hey - i was a 12-y-o who wore size 5 pants but a DDD bra - OF COURSE it was "my fault" - NO man can resist THAT, right?
and you were 18 and a virgin, and everyone knows virgins have some "mystique", and no man can resist THAT, right?
and Twinky was an athletic 9-y-o, and no man can resist THAT, right?
and my best friend was a trusting altar-boy, and no man can resist THAT, right?
*note: not all rapists are men. but in the US, 98% of reported rapes, and 97% of non-reported to a gov't agency but known through other means, are committed by men. 90% of rapes are men-raping women, 7% are men-raping-men [NOT counting rapes in prison], 1% are women-raping-men, 1% are women-raping women, and 1% are "other". this is only ADULT rapes, mind - the numbers are split differently, male children are 40% of the victims KNOWN and girl children are 60% of the victims KNOWN.
there may be a whole class of female rapists that aren't being accounted for because there's NO report - i know several guys who feel they've been raped by a woman - generally she got them drunk or drugged them, then things they didn't want - but so far as i can tell, even the men who really believe it was rape and *WRONG* and a crime don't report it as RAPE, even when they talk about it - it was always "sex i had with a woman i wouldn't otherwise have sex with". the idea that all men want all sex all the time is as big a piece of BS as those "rape plan" lists, just as f**ked up, and just a deadly...
So good to have you back on the site. I've missed your comments. You've hit it exactly on the head there - the victim blaming, the shaming, and the delusion that it only happens to girls "like that."
DeleteI'm very concerned about male victims of rape also because so few report and get help. I guess it's not considered "manly" or they fear retaliation - particularly if the attacker was another male. I wish we heard more male voices but I know it's hard for them because of the culture.
More people speaking out can change that culture. Thank you for being one of those beautiful voices.
thank you, Tweenky. i spent most of January in the hospital, and have just now gotten back to my normal level of being able to stay awake to go to my favorite blogs [daily doctor appts and tests are exhausting]. short answer to "hospital?" is "they don't know. my right leg went insane, hence 24 days in the hospital, but it's sort of working now, so i was sent home, and no one has the first clue as to what's going on, yay tests!"
Deleteok, that's out of the way.
that delusion is so very, very indicative of the issues surrounding rape culture. it's all a giant stew of willful ignorance and fear.
male victims tend to be silent for the reasons stated - the "manly" issue, fear of reprisals - but to go along with the whole "i'm a MAN, i can't be raped" is the well-known attitude of law enforcement towards rape victims; if they treat *women*, who are the "rapeable sex" like that, how will LEO treat MEN?! and, of course, once it gets into the media [and it will] there's the fear of being considered "gay" [why this is bad, i don't understand. i understand that it IS, that being considered gay is insulting, because being gay is almost the same as being a woman - but i don't get THAT, either. i'm a woman. i have an IQ of 183. i'm smart and capable and don't understand why my possession of a uterus causes most of society to act as if i were either a child or an animal - the wonder isn't how well the bear dance, but that the bear dances at all! - and am thus incapable of making even the most basic of logical decisions...].
the numbers i quoted above, that lead one to believe that about 8% of rape victims are male, are *guesses*, the estimated percentages that the DOJ had listed in 2009. gods only know what the REAL numbers are, all around.
rape has, at least in all the history we know, been one of the most used tools keeping women in their place. it's no wonder that rates of rape have been rising - reactionary "discipline" - get those women back where they belong! bullshit. sigh.
i speak because i hate this toxic culture - not only do *I* have to live here, but i have to watch the kids around me grow up in it. i mentor teens, and i swear, half of their problems [maybe more!] are DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTABLE to rape culture. i watch my nieces suffer. worse, i watch my nephew [who has mild autism] suffer and struggle and not get it. worse, because - like any male who is seen as "weak" - he's treated more harshly than a girl of his age and disability is. worse, because at 9 years old, he's started - from sheer survival instinct - to mimic some of the behaviors of the boys who pick on him. he now says to my mother "you're a GIRL, you can't know that."
[i'm pretty sure he doesn't believe it, just thinks it's what boys are "supposed" to say. he called a classmate a "slut". when asked what a slut was, his answer was "a girl that i wanted to be mean to." he doesn't UNDERSTAND why anyone says or does these things, but he knows that if he does them the other boys treat him better.]
i'm going to take over the world, you know. i have my Lizbian Army in training, and i SWEAR, things are gonna be DIFFERENT around here.
[cont]
but seriously - changing the culture is so vital. i went thru hell in high school, constant whispers about how i "seduced" my rapist, bullshit rumors that i was screwing all my teachers [i was a GIRL! how ELSE could i get the best grades in every class?! how does a GIRL get straight 100% in CALCULUS?!] and in the past 20 years, it's gotten WORSE - bullying is on the rise, teen pregnancy is going up and up, misogyny and sexual discrimination is increasing... my oldest niece will be 16 in a few weeks, and she's been homeschooled since she was 12 - because she kissed a boy and *immediately* was branded "slut" and "whore" - not just by students, but by teachers! - and she was actively suicidal. at TWELVE. from school bullying. and how many kids have killed themselves recently because of school bullying? it's getting WORSE. it terrifies me.
Deleteyou guys are doing good work - important, necessary work. all of these things are tied together in the most complicated knot - we can't fix one part, then another, we have to tackle them all at once. because they're all connected - rape and abortion and bodily integrity and the right to birth control and LGBTQI rights - they are ALL part of the same drive to force women back into second-class citizens. it's about CONTROLLING women [and men. because back when men *had* to marry the first woman he got pregnant, who was probably also the first woman he had sex with, people had little choice, men would HAVE to take the first decent job they could to support their wife and children - and without BC, women HAD to stay home and take care of the kids, too many kids, too many pregnancies... controlling WOMEN in this way allows control of MEN, too.]
it's about turning the bulk of this country into modern-day serfs, tied to corporations instead of land. and it starts with taking away women's rights over their bodies, because it was THAT, control over pregnancy, that allowed women AND men to have control over their ultimate career choices - it allowed more of everyone to go to college and get BETTER educations that translate into better jobs.
the rich don't want an educated, informed populace that votes in the best interests of the country; they want an ignorant, fearful populace that can be whipped up over a single issue, allowing the rich and powerful to do whatever the fuck they want, so long as they keep hitting that single-issue button.
it's fight the culture or, eventually, be killed. because i've had an abortion, because i used BC and [finally!] got my tubes tied, because i'm divorced, because i'm not Christian, because i play D&D. whatever. i'm not "like them", and "they" - the fundies - want to make this a theocracy, and the rich/powerful are GOOD with that idea, because they'll be the ones with all the power if that happens.
sorry - that turned into a rant. the worst thing about it, though, is that it's NOT a conspiracy theory i've concocted, it's not a dystopian novel i'm writing, it's REALITY and what the rich and corporations are REALLY DOING.
like i said - terrifying.